Monday, June 29, 2009


The Amazing Screw-on Head.

The original concept that Mike Mignola came up with for this was a toy line that would involve using the same head on different robot bodies…sounds cool to me! Anyway, that led to a comic, and now this movie.

Be warned. This “movie” is only 22 mins long and was actually supposed to be a pilot for a tv series. Never got picked up…but this 22 min movie is really wicked. I mean from the opening scene to the very end it was funny, interesting and just plain cool man! The voice acting was great and they had a lot of ideas in a short pilot.

Abe Lincoln contacts the Screw-on Head (like a James Bond type of thing) by calling him, and instead of having a video screen where they talk, we see a picture of Abe and his mouth has a flap on it, so when Abe speaks the flap moves about as if he was speaking in front of him….its hard to explain, but its brilliant! This is just one example of the awesomeness of this movie.

5/5 (buy it, its only 10 bucks)

Or watch it for free:


Friday, June 26, 2009

Michael Jackson: Remembering the King of Pop

I was going to write my review of The Hangover, which I saw last night with the other Titans, but upon arrival at the movie theatre I received news that Michael Jackson, the King of Pop himself, passed away at the age of 50. Yes, I know you all know this by now. What can I say? Michael was and always will be a legend in the entertainment industry. And while I’m well aware and disappointed by the allegations of child molestation directed towards him, I think I speak for everyone when I say that his music and performances will certainly live on and elevate Michael Jackson to Elvis levels.

I’m 32, and I come from that generation that remembers Michael as, not just a pop superstar, but as a cultural phenomena. When I was about 5 or so, Michael could do no wrong. His Thriller album was played in virtually every household when I was a kid, and I think that’s where a lot of people will have a personal connection with him. I know those songs were played ad nausea in my house while I played with my Joes, Star Wars or He-Man figures. I knew every song by heart. Thriller was the album where I learned to operate the record player for the first time, pretending I was a big man at the age of 5. That album too, in many ways – and along with reruns of Hillarious House of Frightenstein -- was my first introduction to horror. The song Thriller itself featured a monologue by Vincent Price’s frightening voice and the song was capped by a pause followed by Price’s maniacal laugh! That laugh frightened the piss out of me at that age, especially if I was alone in the room. And that video! Hard to believe now, but there was a time when MTV in the U.S. refused to play Black artists. There was a public outcry over this, and Michael Jackson became so popular that MTV made him the first Black artist to appear on MTV (please, no snivelling comments about how he turned white, we'll get the truth about what happened about that now that he's gone). Billy Jean was wicked, with the tiles that glow when stepped on, but Thriller defined the modern music video with scads of imitators to this day that try weakly to wrap a “story” around their video. Thriller was and still is a tour de force of 80’s ingenuity, creativity and fun. Hell, it was even played in movie theatres!!

Michael’s contributions to film were few but welcome. Michael’s first foray was the song Ben, the title song for the movie Ben (1972) which was the sequel to Willard (1971). It was nominated for Best Original Song at the Academy awards, for which Michael famously performed the song. And yes, the song was lovingly remade with a performance by Crispin Glover in the 2003 Willard remake. Michael appeared in The Wiz, the jazzed up version of Wizard of Oz, and I think that was actually him in Men In Black II. He was also the star of a special effects laden movie ride at Disneyworld called Captain EO which ran for ages but is closed now. I always wanted to see it, but never got the chance.

What else can I really say? I remember kids in my early grades doing the moon walk, Alvin on Alvin and the Chipmunks briefly dancing with Michael on the show, people walking around with that Thriller red jacket, the Moonwalker video game (which was wicked!), the We Are The World song (back when celebrities cared about something other than themselves), all that good stuff. It’s sad that Michael should go now, since I feel there was a serious hunger for Michael Jackson in recent years, beginning with that infamous Thriller scene in 13 Going on 30, and a whole generation from Usher to Wyclef John citing Jackson as their inspiration for getting into the music business. There’s a whole generation that grew up on Michael Jackson the phenomenon that is all grown up and willing to let bygones be bygones and give the man another chance. I think he would have made a killing if he became a Vegas staple ala Celin Dion or Dean Martin (hell, I would go see that!). Rumors surfaced that he was planning just that, but there are uglier rumors that suggest that he was advised by an inner circle that fed him too many prescription drugs and pain killers and pushed him too hard for his “come back”, thus killing him. Uglier still are the allegations that he molested children, an eternal cloud over Michael’s career that he could never fully shake off. I think in the coming years, the people who accused him of such things will come out in full disclosure. Will that hurt his legacy? Well, given that most people believe that these allegations are true but still love his songs and performances anyway, I don’t think it will hurt. And I can just hear the Hollywood big wigs salivating as they hurriedly ready a hundred “Life of Michael Jackson” movie projects.

But for now, we reminisce on what was a phenomenal body of work that will never be duplicated and we also think about what might have been.


Hangover – you’ll forget this movie as fast as they forgot their bachelor party

Charlie Chaplin was once asked how he would shoot a scene where a fat lady is briskly walking down park avenue and is about to slip on a banana peel. Would he –
A – show a shot of the banana peel, then the woman walking, then her slipping? (this would let us know that she probably would slip, cause we see the peel first)
B – show a shot of the woman walking, then the peel, then her slipping. (then we wouldn’t see it coming.)

His answer was –
I would show the banana peel, then the woman walking, then her stepping OVER the banana peel and then falling down a manhole that was next to it.

**** SPOLIERS ****

Hangover only has the banana peel. The way everyone was dying over this movie, I thought there’d be more. All the jokes in this movie are either juvenile, several hits to several heads with several objects…crowbars, doors, etc. Or don’t pay off. They feel that the set up is enough.

Juvenile - in the opening scenes we see Allan (the funniest character) wearing thong type underwear and we see his ass. That’s it. I guess that was funny?? Later on, they go to a hospital and see an old man’s ass. I guess that ass was just as funny. Then later, a naked Chinese man is in a car jumps out and we see his ass. That’s 3 ass jokes…these are not funny. Simply seeing an ass is not enough for me anyway. The Chinese man does fight them briefly and hits them in the face and head. In most cases I try to avoid male nudity. In Borat there was nudity, both men, (borat and his fat friend) fight in the nude over Pam Anderson. But that gets so crazy, that they are running around the hotel in the nude fighting each other. You cant help but laugh at the absurdity. Here they are just asses.

No payoffs – They wake up with a tiger and baby in the room. How did they get there? Later they go downstairs and find that their car is a police car. How did they get a police car? Well here are the answers. They stole a police car. Oh, ok, that’s interesting….oh, that’s it. They stole it. We don’t know why, or what it was gonna be used for…they just stole it because they were smashed. Well I guess that is funny, but not to me. I want to either see the process of them steeling it, or give me some really funny reason for it. Maybe they wanted to play cops and robbers and stole the car and tried to arrest the Chinese gangster guy and stripped searched him or something. But no, they just stole it. The baby, interesting a baby…how did that get there. A girl left it there, in a closet…oh, I wonder why…what circumstances led to that? Nothing. She just left it there. The tiger, why would a tiger be in a room with a bunch of bachelors…well they stole it. Oh, yeah, they just stole it. They didn’t do anything funny with it, they just stole it. In the credits we see them riding it in a picture, which would have been a great visual, not a still and not at the end. I wanna see some of these funny things that happened. This movie is like your friend telling you about the wild night he had, but it's not as funny to you, because you didnt see any of it. "We stole a cop car!!!" "OH man, that's crazy!" yeah, that works in the real world, i guess (i dont think its funny in the real world either), but in movies i wanna see more!

All in all, I didn’t hate this movie as much as I thought I would…but it’s very average. Nothing really funny happens, and the characters are not interesting enough to sustain 90 mins. Plus there were no real payoffs. Everything was explained as, well they were drunk so they did it. Not good enough boys. I want actual writing. The reports of the story being good were HIGHLY overrated.



Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Hangnail

So apparently, this film is really, really funny, or so I've heard from my peers at work. Ebert gave this movie a good review. It's supposed to be so funny, people went to see this movie twice in theatres. It's that good. So I went to see it. Because I still believe what people tell me. For instance, a man last week told me that Santa Claus does exist, and I immediately phoned my building manager, and demanded the chimney be cleared by December 24th, or there'd be hell to pay. Anyhow, so I went to see this movie.
It's not funny. In the least. Okay, maybe Mike Tyson punching out one of the guys. The blackjack scene wasn't bad either, but also not funny. You know what I was supposed to find funny? People's asses. There were at least 2 scenes where I saw a fat, white, hairy ass. I was supposed to find that funny. Problem is, everyone has an ass. Sorry to break that to folks, but it's true. The general ass is probably nothing to write home about. I feel I've discussed the spectrum of plausible conversation with this paragraph about asses. Moving on...oh yeah, there's this naked Chinese guy. He's gay. He swears a lot. This is funny, you know, because I can never imagine a Chinese person being naked. Or gay. Or swearing. It's beyond my comprehension, so I laugh. Except, I can imagine all that, as well as, I can imagine a world where people actually wouldn't find this funny. Unfortunately, this is not this world, so I have to rely on my imagination. Nothing new there.
The real problem, other than the adolescent humour (and really, what more could I have expected, considering the guy who made this brought us Road Trip, Old School, and School for Scoundrels, so obviously, he's reliving a second childhood...or maybe a third one. Never mind). is that the characters suck. The teacher guy hates his life (including his wife and child), and thinks his students are nerds beneath them. The dentist guy is a wuss, who pretends to be on higher moral ground, but ends up in the muck with the rest. Ditto the groom-to-be. Then there's Alan, the bizarre soon-to-be brother-in-law, who slips them all roofies, thinking it's ecstasy, because "he wanted them to have a good time." So, apparently these guys can't have a good time unless they're high. These are people I want to know. No. These are people I don't want to know...never mind following them around for 90+ minutes.
In the end, this movie really goes nowhere, and is not funny. It's predictable, amateurish, and really, quite uninteresting. For those out there who think it's funny, I feel sorry for you; obviously, you have no idea what makes a great comedy film, and you have no idea about the geniuses who before this craptacular garbage. Go rent a movie made by the Marx Bros, or Charlie Chaplin (and yes, I realize they were made a long time ago...but you'll me), and understand what true comedy is.
Rating 1.5 out of 5 stars.
I bid thee a fond goodnight.
- Stephenstein

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

A new kind of Hood.

A couple of years ago a new Robin Hood series started, produced by the BBC (yes from the Austin Powers song, that BBC). Anyway, I am a big Robin Hood guy, (see past reviews for Adventures of Robin Hood - also, one of my first ever vhs movies i bought was the Kevin Costner Robin Hood POT). That being said i never really knew about this show.
Actually a few years back i was at hmv and saw the dvd of series 1 (season 1 in american/canadian terms) Deceptisean said he had heard of it, but never saw it. About 3 weeks ago i noticed it was on tv and quickly turned to it, only to have the credits show up...missed it by that i was a bit pissed, and next week i would catch it forsure...i did and loved it. It was episode 12 i saw of series 1...13 followed and i was hooked (as was my wife, who is nearly impossible to hook on current tv shows, due to the level of A$$ - note the dollar bills are not because i cant write ass.)
I ran out and purchased series 1 and 2 and got hooked after 2 mins of the first episode. Within 5 mins, Robin was already astablished and ready for action. The merry men pretty much all appeared in the first episode and the Sheriff was being one hell of a bastard.
This show is just gold. If you like Robin Hood you should watch it. If you love Robin Hood you should buy it.
best show on tv, and best show in years.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Taking of Denzel Washington's Wallet

Look at that poster. Doesn't it make you want to run out and see this movie? Me neither. Still, I try and see as many Denzel Washington movies as possible (as long as it looks like something's going on in them...reason I skipped Antwone Fisher), but this is a remake! How dare I spend money on...a remake! For shame! Eh, what can I say, Stephenstein is hard up these days for theatre fare.
Actually, this movie was pretty good. You have John Travolta demanding $10,000,000 (or basically the amount of money that Denzel has in his wallet at any given, that is) within an hour, and if he doesn't get it, he will kill people on the train he's hijacked. At the other end of the line, you have Denzel, and boy oh boy, does this man have problems. To tell the truth, this may be the first time I've seen Denzel Washington in a role where he was completely helpless...even in John Q, when he's doing the hostage negotiating with the police for his son's life, you get the idea, hey it's Denzel, he knows what he's doing. Not in this film though, and it's really interesting to see him play a floundering character. Travolta is charasmatic as he usually is in the bad-guy role (though he's gotten to the point where just screams motherf***** at the good guys, and that's supposed to be intimidating), and John Turturro supplies solid supporting work as the veteran hostage negotiator.
My gripes with this movie are a few plot holes (ummm...if the police are speeding towards a location with $10,000,000, what idiot is going to smash into their car? I mean seriously, you're telling me the motorcycle escorts with them couldn't have cleared the streets?) and the movie was predictable, including the ending which I won't spoil here, other than to reveal, surprise surprise, Denzel and John have a confrontation, with guns involved. Still, I think this was a pretty solid movie, with a decent mix of suspense and drama, so it's worth a peek, though you can probably get away with watching it on whatever souped-up home theatre system you may possess.
Rating 3.5 out of 5.
I bid thee a fond good night.
- Stephenstein

Friday, June 19, 2009

Till all are one.

Here are some of the new wallpapers\desktops available for download on transformers 2. I am not here to discuss if you think megan fox is hot or not. i personally dont care if you think she is hotter then hell, because it doesnt matter. Transformers is about the F-ING ROBOTS ISNT IT!!!!!!!!
This is the kind of crap that pisses me right off boys. If i wanna see this kind of stuff, ill watch porn, not transformers.
all these teenage horny boys drooling over MF is just a bunch of crap. 2 years ago they were drooling over some other hottie...and 2 months from now itll be another.
but why ruin TF for this???? Cause michael bay is a just a horny teenage boy, thankfully we gave him millions...good job.
just a rant, i think im ok now.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Look up in the sky...

There's been a lot of hypes on this blog for other stuff going on, so I thought I would change up the tone for this post.
Superman is one of my favorite characters of all time, and one of my favorite movies of all time. Currently ranked #3 in my top 10 (after Conan and 2001), Superman has been in my top 10 longer than any other movie.

When I say Superman, I of course, mean the Christopher Reeve Superman film. Until recently I had included Superman 2 as part of Superman 1…making both films count as 1 slot on my top 10 (I do that a lot, all 5 Planet of the Apes movies count for one). But recently I have changed it to include all 4 of the Reeve Superman films.

The reason for this is simple. Christopher Reeve is just the best. I own/plan to own all superhero/comic book movies. I own every Superman dvd that is available (except smallville, which I will eventually buy, even though its not superman). But no other actor/actress defines a character so well as Reeve did for Superman. George Reeves was good, I must admit, but he was before my time, and I hope I am not being unfair to him, but Christopher is just the best. Perhaps Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman would be a close second, but Reeve is the champion.

When I watched these films I actually believed, not only that man could fly (as per the ads at the time of its release) but I believed that Reeve was Superman.

Later of course I saw him as an actor (Death Trap comes to mind – great film to showcase his talent), but when he was injured I knew that he wasn’t really Superman. Superman cant be hurt, but Reeve could. I was pretty sad. I knew deep down that they wouldnt make any more Reeve Superman films, but still, I hated to see him injured. I thought he was down for the count...
But I was proven wrong.

After he lost his mobility we all thought he would continue on living in seclusion, but again, we were wrong. He fought hard against his disability and started raising money for spinal cord research. He never gave up hope, he fought against all the odds and it was even rumored that towards the end of his life he started to feel again. Only Superman would continue to fight after such a devastating defeat.

A couple of years ago two of my good friends showed me a couple of Superman Dog Tags they had gotten when they donated $10 to Reeve’s foundation. I quickly did my part and donated. The Dog Tags are great!

The other day I was looking for them again and realized that I haven’t worn them in a while and felt that I should. I also went back online and donated another 30 bucks and got 3 more (they will arrive soon). It’s well worth it to remember Reeve and Superman.

The purpose for this post is just to remember Reeve and Superman. It was a great series that will never be duplicated again.

Ill sign off with my favorite quote from the film. When Jonathan Kent warns Clark about using his powers.

Jonathan Kent: Yeah, I know, you can do all these amazing things and sometimes you feel like you will just go bust unless you can tell people about them.

Young Clark Kent: Yeah. I mean every time I kick the football I can make a touchdown. Every time! I mean, is it showing off if somebody's doing the things he's capable of doing? Is a bird showing off when it flies?

Jonathan Kent: No, no. Now, you listen to me. When you first came to us, we thought people would come and take you away because, when they found out, you know, the things you could do... and that worried us a lot. But then a man gets older, and he starts thinking differently and things get very clear. And one thing I do know, son, and that is you are here for a reason. I don't know whose reason, or whatever the reason is... Maybe it's because... uh... I don't know. But I do know one thing. It's not to score touchdowns.

-Jason (aka J-KraKen)

To order the dog tags:,default,sc.html

Monday, June 15, 2009

Adventures in Sherwood.

Back when movies were fun and had loads of adventures, none had more then THE ADVENTURES OF ROBIN HOOD. Flynn was just gold in this movie about a man who fights for the poor.

I had seen this movie several times a child and loved it. I got it on dvd when this double disc edition came out, and it has been sitting on my shelf ever since. On saturday my wife and I were searching for a movie to watch (with over 2100 original - not burned - dvds to choose from my collection, it sometimes take a while). We came to Robin Hood and my wife had never seen it.

Needless to say I jumped at the chance to watch this again and it is one amazing film!!! Within the first act everything is established. Robin fights for the poor against the forces of Nottingham, led by Prince John.

Remember when we didnt need a prequel to intro a character that would become an icon, a hero, someone we could cheer for. Today it seems like we need to know every single detail of someone's life in order to cheer for them. We need to see his parents murdered, or see him train, etc. Let's have more prequels, so we can just waste production capital on stuff no one cares about. Raiders of the Lost Ark didnt have a prequel to tell us who indiana jones was.

Anyway, Robin Hood is an excellent film which you should buy on dvd. Wal-Mart has it for $4.00 bucks for F SAKES!!!!! (thanks to fellow collector for finding a deal on that).

One more thing, there is one part where Marion asks Robin why does he bother trying to help people and risk his life. He could've just had a good comfortable life, he had money and land, and Prince John would have accepted him as a rich nobleman. Robin gave up everything to fight for those who were not strong enough to fight themselves. He risked it all, and Marion was confused and wanted to know why.

Robin answers. "You just don't get it do you."

and if you need more explanation, then you dont get it either.


My 2 cents.

Stephenstein - you are right on the money - I mean what is the point of making a movie of GI Joe, if its not gi joe….doesnt this sound crazy???

Deceptisean - you're right. Serious is always better than making a joke. And even though I would like to see visual representations of the characters (or more like GI JOE 25th anniversary style, or 2002 heman style etc - but those are similar to the real things anyway) the most important thing is to make me believe in the story.

How can they make me believe, if they don’t.


Saturday, June 13, 2009

Movies based on toy lines – What did you expect?

There have been a rash of posts on web-sites ever since the first Michael Bay Transformers movie came out and irked fans with its brazen stupidity, crassness, disrespect and lack of coherent story or enduring characters – posts on websites that rebut fans’ dissention against movies like Transformers or the underwhelming and stupid-looking clips put up for the upcoming G.I. Joe movie with statements along the lines of “But it’s based on a toy line. What did you expect?”. I remember one comment from a posting (I can’t remember where I saw it) saying something like “Did you want a guy in a sailor suit running around firing a laser pistol with a friggin’ parrot on his shoulder??” Okay look, no I don’t want the exact image of the cartoon interpreted into live-action on the big screen. Of course you update it, but still remain true to the original, so that there’s something left of the original brand to actually experience. However, I really don’t like the snarkiness of these comments and this attitude people have devaluing something because it’s based on a toy. The truth is that anything can be made into a great movie – you just have to be creative enough to treat it right. The filmmakers behind the Christopher Reeve Superman movie in ’78 had an uphill battle because everyone saw comic book movies and characters as being fodder for campiness and stupid jokes. Superman was made into a movie that took the subject matter seriously and became a huge hit, a big franchise and is now a classic film. All you have to do is treat your subject matter seriously and the audience will follow. What do I expect from these movies, released and forthcoming, that are based on toy lines? Well, a whole hell of a lot:

Transformers – What people say: “It’s stupid and jokey, just give me big effin’ robots fighting each other and shit blowing up. What did you expect?”

Well, I expected the robots to be the stars of the movie, having endearing personalities and relationships with each other and the human characters. Optimus is the stalwart leader who doesn’t do comic relief, he takes Bumblebee under his wing as someone who has potential to be a great warrior in the future, Optimus is flanked by Iron Hide and Ratchet (a warrior and a medic that have been through many battles with Optimus and are dear and trusted friends because of it) and Jazz is a robot who falls in love with Earth and its pop culture enough to want to defend it to the end. Megatron is constantly threatened with usurpation by Starscream as ruler of the Decepticons, and I expected the other Decepticons to actually say something, maybe be extremely loyal to Megatron or team with Starscream or something. I expected a coherent story with Megatron trying to plunder Earth’s energy-rich resources and Optimus defending Earth and feeling guilty that the Autobots inadvertently lead the Decepticons to this innocent planet.

See? Is that so bad? What the hell was all that about a cube with powers I still don’t get and glasses they have to find that have a map to the cube but it doesn’t matter since the cube has been moved to the Hoover Dam and the robots don’t talk at all and all of the humans are comic relief that don’t take anything seriously? What the hell was that??

G.I. Joe – what people say: “I just want to see shit blow up good! Those masks and stuff from the cartoon would look cheesy today. It’s based on a toy! What do you expect?”

I don’t know if you’ve noticed on the news, but terrorists with masks and hoods over their heads that kidnap innocent Americans and threaten death are common place today. So how would masked villains look goofy? Make Cobra a threat by having them obtaining nuclear weapons from the former U.S.S.R. on the black market and holding the world ransom by threatening to nuke a country every hour until Cobra is given the North American continent as their base of operations to rule the rest of the nations of the world. They start by nuking an innocent country in the first act, killing millions, Lifeline and Doc are dispatched to help with the devastation, the American government gathers its best of the best in the military, each guy specializing in their own task, the governments of the world support them through the U.N. and together they figure out where Cobra’s base of operations is, a search that leads them all over the world until they locate a small island in the Pacific (Cobra Island) and mount a counter attack, destroying Cobra’s weapons delivery systems and recovering the nukes. Throw in an infiltrator to the Joe ranks in disguise (Zartan) who throws them off until discovered, motor-bike riding street thugs recruited to join Cobra and mount guerilla warfare against the Joes in locations around the world (the Dreadnocks), a sub-plot with Snake Eyes settling an old score with Storm Shadow, an arms dealer who supplies Cobra its nukes (Destro), a front operation corporation that funds Cobra headed up by mysterious twins (Tomax and Xamot), a masked ruler of Cobra who releases messages to the world’s media (Cobra Commander) and young, tough recruits headed up by General Hawk (Duke, Bazooka, Roadblock, Scarlett, etc., etc., whoever else you want), as well as cool weaponry and vehicles on both sides – and bullets and missiles instead of lasers. All this would make for a stacked and exciting movie. Gee, what the hell is so hard about that?? That’s what I expect. Not some shit movie about nanites and cheap villains in business suits instead of masks.

Masters of the Universe – What people say: “He-Man looks gay. He shouldn’t be a kid that turns into Fabio like the cartoon. That’s gay. I just want to see sword fighting and shit blowing up. Yeah!! It’s based on a stupid toy line! What do you expect?”

Well, I expect all the coolness that comes with a concept of swords and sorcery combined with high tech. Adam, Prince of Eternia, is a kid that his father, King Randor, believes to be useless, especially against the criminal horde ruled by Skeletor who wants to rule Eternia his own evil way and have free access to all of its resources. Adam discovers the ancient ruins of Castle Greysull where a sorceress dwells who sees potential in Adam and bestows upon Adam the power to become the embodiment of one of Eternia’s champions of the past, and possess all of his power whenever he wills it with his magical sword: He-Man! He-Man makes himself know in a battle between King Randor’s forces and Skeletor and is recruited into the King’s ranks, but the King doesn’t know He-Man is in fact his supposedly useless son Adam. Mix in core characters Orko (the bumbling sorceror), Man-At-Arms (leader of the King’s Guard who takes Adam under his wing and knows he’s He-Man), Teela (who thinks Adam is useless but loves He-Man – and whom Adam has a crush on), Mechanec (leader of the King’s mechanic pool who creates weapons and vehicles), Ram Man (who is the very best of the King’s Guard) – and of course the villans Beast Man (who leads Skeletor’s beast battalion), Trap Jaw (who creates Skeletor’s weapons, vehicles and trooper drones), Evilynn (Skeletor’s Sorceror, second in magical power to Skeletor himself) and Skeletor who was scarred by Rador in a fight many moons ago and wants revenge. This is not that effin’ hard, people! This is what I expect, but I’m sure this will be watered down to be “realistic” (i.e. boring) whenever the He-Man movie is released.

The thing is, when these toys came out they were accompanied by stories and characters that were fleshed out by shows and comics to the point where each line had a lore to it that was fine for any TV show or movie. There isn’t a lot to change. Hell, even the smaller toys that would be seen as worthless by fickle, bitter message board posters on most geek web-sites would still make cool movies if their stories and characters were treated seriously.

Hell, even shit like Sectaurs: A technologically advanced planet is destroyed by dangerous experiments that turn the surviving population into half-man, half-insects. A primitive kingdom-based society develops over the years, possessing not nearly a quarter of the previous civilization’s technology. Prince Dargon, still young but coached by loyal father figure and veteran warrior Pinsor, leads a team to find “The Hyve”, ruins of an old lab that may have caused the disasters of the previous age, before evil warlord General Spydrax obtains its powers and secrets and uses it to rule the planet. Mix in the giant flying and land crawling insect steeds that the characters ride and it would be a wicked, epic film.

Even Starriors! This from Wikipedia: “In the future, solar flares threaten all life on Earth. Earth's scientists build three Classes of intelligent machines, Protectors, to restore the Earth for human use, Destructors, to ward off any potential alien invasions, and Guardians to protect humanity after they go into a hibernative state underground. The brains of the Starriors, called control circuits, are crafted in the human image. The leader of the Destructors, Slaughter Steelgrave, becomes craven at the thought of deactivation upon the restoration of the humans, and enslaves the Protectors after what he believes to be a successful attempt to destroy all of the Guardians. Eventually, the human race and the Starriors' mission is forgotten as a reality and regarded as a myth--none of the Starriors had been activated when the humans disappeared. Then the Protector Trashor, Nipper, discovers a human skull. A band of Protectors, eventually joined by a few dutiful Destructors, sets out to release the humans from their overly prolonged hibernation.” -- Add in Slaughter Steelgrave heading up a group to stop this band and a climax with the humans getting revived and you've got yourself a pretty cool movie.

Hell, even Bravestarr: In the future, human kind has expanded to the far stars with colonies on many planets and settle on one planet lovingly called “New Texas” where they mine for riches, make do with the limited technology they have by mixing old-west tech with space-age tech, and live peacefully with other alien life-forms. That is until Tex Hex, outlaw gang leader of the “Carrion Bunch” with powers bestowed upon him by a mysterious force far beyond the settlers’ comprehension, initiates raids and bullies the settlers to the point that no man or woman would dare be Marshal in New Texas. In comes a young, strapping, mysterious and charming Native man calling himself Bravestarr who decalres himself Marshal and teaches the people of New Texas how to fend off the criminal hordes while standing up to Tex Hex himself. Mix in Bravestarr discovering his partner Thirty/Thirty (a half-horse, half man with a giant gun he calls “Sarah Jane”) in New Texas, wild west themes with futuristic high tech, cool Carrion Bunch members Thunder Stick (a robot), Vipra (a serpent woman), or Howler (a Cyote man), just to name a few, and fun characters like Handle Bar (the green-skinned tough bartender of the saloon), the undertaker character who smiles in anticipation of booming business and eagerly measures people for their coffins whenever a battle is brewing, and Judge J.B. McBride, the attractive female judge who was assigned to New Texas and has romantic tension with Bravestarr. This thing just writes itself.

See? This is what I expect! Epic stories with neat characters and cool, inventive things I haven’t seen before in live-action. All too often, people go on and on about wanting to see shit blow up or what not, but movies like that are forgotten and have no resonance. When a Transformers or G.I. Joe or whatever comes along in the theatres, I want a great story with characters and cool action that sets up a solid foundation for sequels. I don’t care if it’s even based on bubble gum. Anything can be turned into a great movie. So – why is that not happening?


G.I Joe...from my corner

I've read Deceptisean's post, and I gotta say, I got to weigh in on what's going on. I clicked the link with the full story, and I now have a bellyful of bile I have to blast. Nothing to do with the story (though it doesn't surprise me), but with the remarks left afterward by one George "El Guapo" Roush:

"One thing that isn't true is the movie not tracking well. It's actually tracking very well which is great.

You don't need to Google far for the Action Man bit since I was the one who got the exclusive and interviewed Lorenzo when he first brought it to everyone's attention about Action Man possibly being in the film. (Although heaven forbid anyone link to me.)

I've heard through various sources that this story is true. That the film has had problems. But that's what happens when you put people on a project they know nothing about.

Still, it's a movie I'm looking forward to seeing. Minus the dipshit accelerator suits, I'm kind of psyched to see G.I. Joe. I've been to the set and it was pretty bad ass. I'm just hoping it isn't the train wreck everyone is making it out to be. Yes, the movie is geared towards the 10-12 year old crowd, but isn't that how old most of us were that were into G.I. Joe in the first place? Somehow we liked it back then and the cartoon is pretty damn goofy if you watch it again as an adult. What is it you're expecting? A live action Shipwreck to run around firing a laser gun with a fucking parrot on his shoulder?

What sucks is everyone posting how bad this film is when they've never seen it, which is typical internet bullshit when you're able to safely hide behind the anonymity of your keyboard. You can certainly say a film looks bad, and that you hate the director, etc. etc., but to say the film actually is bad based off a trailer and some TV spots? C'mon guys. Wait until the film is out, you've seen it with your own two eyes, then state your opinion.

In the meantime, do what I do - make fun of those stupid fucking accelerator suits."

I'm going to list my grievances, paragraph by paragraph.

1. Well, the story just run said it wasn't tracking well. You're contradicting your own reporting? Or is that someone else's reporting? Where are your facts? You think just because you have a nickname like "El Guapo" (and yes, I saw The Three Amigo's in the theatre, numbnuts), that makes you some sort of journalist?

2. Thank you for clearing up that you had the exclusive on the Action Man saga. Because you know, I was losing sleep over who had the exclusive on that. Seriously.

3. So, how can you be excited about a movie based on a franchise, when they don't know anything about the series? Are you implying that they don't need to know anything about the mythology of the product before they start making a movie out of it? Good logic.

4(a). Bad ass? What's bad ass? Can you tell me what bad ass is? Because, I've seen the set of Terminator, and I've seen the the set of Angels and Demons, and both were impressive, for what they were trying to accomplish. Bad ass is not a good description of a movie set, it's a description of someone who is experiencing problems with their posterior.

4(b). I am no longer 10-12 years old, and even when I was, I wasn't thinking like a 10-12 year old. In fact, I was younger, and enjoyed G.I.Joe. That doesn't mean I don't want a G.I. Joe movie that's intelligent to me. I wasn't a moron at 10-12, unlike you obviously, "El Guapo."

4(c). Yes, I want to see Shipwreck with the parrot. I want to see Destro with the metal helmet. I want to see Zartan with the disguises. I want to see all that schtick, because that's G.I. Joe. I love this generation man, just love it. I mean, they think everything's stupid. Let's make a movie about Shakespeare, but not have him write plays, because that's stupid, plays are stupid and writing plays are stupid. Let's have him screw numerous women instead. I mean, thank God none of these people are lawyers...could you imagine it? "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the defendant is guilty because he works at nuclear science laboratory, and that's stupid. You're honor, that's my case."

5. My friend, you do the same thing. You sit there, behind your keyboard, and judge every single film before a single frame of film is showed to the general public. To decry against those others who do makes you a hypocrite, and I hate hypocrites.

6. The accelerator suits? But I thought you were looking forward to G.I. Joe! I thought the set was bad ass! Oh right!! You want to still look cool and still kind of diss the movie anyway, because when it does come out and drop a giant egg, like it looks like, you want to point back on your post and say "see, I wasn't really pumped up for it, I was making fun of the Accelerator Suits." Congrats, you gutless cretin.

The whole point of this exercise is to point out something obvious: the majority of people who post for movie websites, be it JoBlo, Ain'tItCoolNews, Latino Review, and all the rest, are just a bunch of flabby fanboys who go along with whatever they think is cool, without the benefit of logic or reason. Please, when you read their posts, take it with more than a grain of salt; take it with a truckload.

I bid thee a fond good night (except for "El Guapo", of course).

- Stephenstein

Friday, June 12, 2009

G.I. Joe movie -- Will It Suck??

So, apparently someone posted on producer Don Murphy's message boards that the G.I. Joe movie tested low with audiences, Stephen Sommers was supposedly fired (he might just be locked out of the editing process) and producer deBonaventura had been told to stay away from the editing room. Oh, and Hasbro was panicked because they felt the G.I. Joe franchise was ruined by this movie.

The post was erased, along with its replies and Lorenzo deBonaventura came out and defended the movie saying that it tested well, Stephen Sommers was not fired, etc. It looked to all the world like damage control. We've all seen examples of that (Bay lying that there were no lips on Optimus Prime, WB saying that Joss Whedon was still working on Wonder Woman when in fact they had just purchased a spec script they were going to use with the intention of letting Joss go, reshoots were being done to ensure Galactus be in FF2, the theatrical cut of Wolverine was supposed to be vastly different than the leaked cut, Bradley Cooper not playing Face in A-Team, then he is playing Face, etc ,etc, etc.) We'll see come August 7th, but that's a ways away and a lot more ripping of this movie can take place between now and then.

I think G.I. Joe will not be as bad as everyone says (it'll just be okay) -- perhaps that's more due to the unbelievable ripping this thing is suffering in comparison to what's on screen, but the movie will be pretty unremarkable and forgettable too. All the design style that made the Joe vs. Cobra franchise great is stripped away and replaced by uninspired designs that make you squint to see some detail in amongst all that murky, inky black. The most iconic character (Cobra Commander) is now a cheap dime-a-dozen black costume, and the threat inflicted by Cobra will be ho-hum action fodder. Even cool vehicles are replaced by yawn inducing crap like a Humvee (ooohhh, never seen that before!), or a Cobra ship that looks like a helicopter with no propeller (lame!).
Here is the actual post (posted by "EndTimes") that appeared on Don Murphy's boards before it was erased (looks like fanboy rage more than anything else, but who knows?):
"After a test screening [of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra] in which the film got the lowest test score ever from an audience in the history of Paramount, the executive who pushed for the movie -- Brad Weston -- had Stephen Sommers, the superhack director of the film, fired. Removed. Locked out of the editing room."
"Stuart Baird, a renowned fixer editor, was brought it to try to see if G.I. Joe could be made releasable. Meanwhile producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura, whose turkey Imagine That (also championed by Weston) explodes this weekend as the new bomb in theatres, was told his services were no longer needed on the film either."

"Sommers was then forced by his William Morris agents to pretend that he was working on Tarzan over at Warner Brothers, doing design work, even though that film doesn't even have a good script yet. When word of the firing started to be whispered about in Hollywood, Sommers was summoned back to the editing room but merely to save appearances. Baird is still re-editing the movie with studio input.

"Hasbro CEO Brian Goldner, who turned down other offers from the property to go with the script that was rushed out in eight weeks by Stuart Beattie (i.e., because of the writer's strike), is frantic that the Sommers-created debacle will destroy the brand and is now distancing himself from the pending catastophe.

"None of this needed to happen. The problem is that someone did not know the mythology. Lorenzo di Bonaventura was in charge of the film and never contradicted Sommers on anything. Lorenzo, so you know, was previously a senior Warners honcho and had GI Joe under option there (not as a producer) for seven years and he refused to greenlight the film, stating that because he grew up in Italy he had no knowledge of it.

"If you google enough, at one point you will see he wanted the film to be about an action hero named Mann (Action it) and he clearly had no clue what the GI Joe world really was.

"And the hapless hack Sommers? Where did he come from? The confused Jon Fogelman at William Morris, who signed Hasbro away from CAA, had to find a director in a hurry for his new clients and gave [Paramount] the only guy who he repped who would do it. A sad end to what could have been a great franchise. Acceleration suits indeed."

You can read about this latest angry post debacle regarding G.I. Joe here:

Here's hoping G.I. Joe gets favourable fanfare upon release enough to warrant a sequel which will repair any damage this movie does.


Planet 10.

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension.

Deceptisean and another friend had recommended this movie to me years ago, when it was first released on dvd. Back then I hadn’t really known about it, only that Peter Weller was in it and that’s about it. So I bought it just like that and watched it. I loved it! But as good as the movie was, the end credits were even better.

I can say without hesitation that BB has the best end credits ever! Years later, The Life Aquatic (starring Bill Murray) actually used those credits for their ending.

Since it’s released it has become a cult classic with a lot of references on the net and a lot of fan sites (it’s not Blade Runner, but it’s up there, in terms of fan fiction and info). Anyway it’s worth seeing this movie and you should definitely buy it.

In fact, I may be holding a Buckaroo Banzai day to commemorate it’s 25 year anniversary on August 15th (my birthday is the 18th, so it all works out!)
Where ever you go, there you are.



Wednesday, June 10, 2009

More than meets the dollar.

Rember this poster. It's for the Transformers: The Movie that was made back when we (most of us) were kids. We all ran like crazy to watch the movie.

We were stunned when Unicron ate a planet.

We were shocked when so many autobots died in the opening act.

We were silent when Prime finally fought Megatron to the death.

We all cried when Prime died.

We couldnt believe Starscream finally became king...
only to have Galvatron kill him in one shot.

We were amazed when Unicron transformed.

We all cheered when the matrix was opened and Unicron was defeated.

We all ran home to talk to our friends about it.

The next day at school, nothing existed except transformers. We ran out and bought toys, we had new characters to buy....some loved, some not so loved, but new characters to talk about.

Why did they kill prime?
He's coming back for sure!
Galvatron is wicked!
But Starscream died!
Unicron is amazing.
Unicron's not dead - remember his head was still floating around.

We must buy this movie, and the soundtrack too!
Yeah, the music was awesome.

Orson Welles was in it!!!!

Well, that's how it used to be.

now its....

why is megan fox such a skank?
shiza leboof sucks.
i cant tell who is who.
the transformers have no character.
megatron is defeated by a kid?
his parents eat pot brownies.
bumblebee cries.
transformers are clumsy, and pee on humans.

think about that.


Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Out of control.


No I didn’t make this movie, but it sure seems like I would. It has Vikings and monsters, with a bit of science fiction mixed in. These are basically my 3 favorite things. Anywho, Jimmy Caviezel is a spaceman whose people have destroyed planets to conquer them. They hit this one world where these giant creatures live and they wiped them out.

Well, not all of them, or there’d be no movie. An accident happens and Jimmy finds himself on Earth in the year 709 (Norway). The Vikings rule, and he has to convince them to fight it.

After a few lost battles, they upgrade their weapons (which is the best idea since Hannibal Smith wearing black leather gloves on the A-Team), and they fight it again…but the twists keep coming…cause their may be more than one monster! DUH, have seen any monster movies?????????

All in all, this was one hell of a wicked movie. Pure awesomeness. I mean it just doesn’t get any better watching scifi with fantasy and Vikings.

PS all the names are taken from Beowulf…maybe this was the true story of Beowulf!

PPS who cares, it was wicked. Those Winstein brothers or whatever, should really give more of push to their movies, and this movie was basically wasted on a direct to dvd release (sure, some small town in Zimbabwe got a screening). I WANTED TO SEE IT IN THEATRES!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh well, I own it, so whatever.



Monday, June 8, 2009

It's special to be ordinary.

Billu Barber

This is a film about fame, the price you must pay to attain it and keep it. It’s also a film about true friendship and the price you must pay to attain it and keep it. Shahrukh Khan (SRK) plays a mirror image of himself in this movie. He is a superstar film actor that has reached “God” status, especially among the poor. His name in the film is Sahir Khan, and he has appeared in the same movies as the real SRK. They show clips of SRK’s real movies and just say that Sahir Khan was the star. So he is basically playing himself.

He’s working on a new movie that needs to be filmed in a poor village…Sahir (SRK) decides which village to shoot at and soon everyone in the village hears that King Khan is coming! Excitement fills the air and everyone is dying to meet Sahir and will do anything to get the chance.

Billu is the local barber who is so poor that he cant even afford a new barber chair and keeps repairing his old wooden one. His wife lives at home, and his children go to school (whenever Billu can pay for their school that is – in India you pay for all school, not just university).

He is behind on his payments, and his children are taken out of school. A local “Business man” keeps on insisting for Billu to take a loan (at a high interest of course), but Billu doesn’t want more debt.

When news of Sahir’s film is heard, he informs his family (wife and 2 kids) that he knew Sahir BEFORE he became a superstar. He tells his family that Sahir probably doesn’t remember him, since they were very young, and grew up in a nearby village, even poorer than the one they live in now. His kids and wife tell a few friends, and they tell friends….and suddenly everyone in the whole entire village thinks that Billu is Sahir’s best friend.

Billu is now famous, and everyone gives him gifts, and loves him. But of course they want to meet Sahir in exchange for their love and affection. When Billu cannot deliver the goods, they all hate him.

The point of this story is that Billu and Sahir are the same. They both became famous one day and everyone in their world wants something from them. As long as they are famous they are loved, but when they cant give everyone what they want, they are hated again. The film shows the two lifestyles, but focuses more on Billu, since we the general audience can relate to him more.

I wont reveal whether or not Billu really does know Sahir, but I will leave you with Billu’s answer when his wife asks “Do you really know Sahir?” Billu says

“What difference would it make in our lives if I knew him or not?”



Sunday, June 7, 2009

Another reason not to vote!

Manchurian Candidate.
A group of soldiers is captured and brainwashed in Korea. They are sent back, but one of them has been programmed to obey the orders of the enemy. His trigger is the queen of diamonds, and his mission is unknown...even to himself.
This is the original movie that most have seen the remake of, and this original one still packs a punch. In fact, it's better than the remake. One major difference is that I felt really bad for the character of Raymond Shaw in this movie. His story is really sad and can pretty much be called a tragedy. I was in SHOCK over one scene (which for once I will not reveal.)



Friday, June 5, 2009

R.I.P. Frankenstein.

David Carradine died the other day in Bangkok. There have been several reports about it, and as far as I can tell, he was found Hanging in a closet naked, with the rope tied around his neck and penis….WHOA!!! That’s right, the Penis!!!!! That aside, I don’t wanna talk about his death, but his life.

I first saw him in Death Race 2000 as Frankenstein. I absolutely love that movie and he was the best in it. I have yet to find a Frankenstein fan shirt (the black shirt with an “F” on it.) Later I saw him in Sundown (the Bruce Campbell movie where Davy is Dracula and Bruce is Van Helsing’s son - or something). Those 2 roles are enough to make him the best ever! But he was also the man who needed to be killed in KILL BILL, and of course Kung Fu and Legends Continues.

He of course was given that role after they ripped it off Bruce Lee (the greatest man to live) but I guess it wasn’t Davy’s fault.

But the wickedest movie he made was CIRCLE OF IRON!!! What a cool movie, that Bruce “The Greatest Man to Live” Lee wrote! I highly recommend you to buy all those movies on dvd and make your collection mean something!!!

Anyway, it’s sad he’s dead, and ill honour him by watching Death Race 2000 and calling out for FRANKENSTEIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


If we took a Holiday...


Cary Grant (one of my faves) and Kathy Hepburn star in this film about a guy who has worked all his life and wants to take a holiday…a long holiday from WORK! He feels that working in business is pointless and he wants to actually live! I really was on board with this guys views, and I totally understood him. He meets a rich girl who’s dad is a big banker and only believes in working. The black sheep of the family is her sister (and brother, for that matter) played by Hepburn. She is a fun loving girl who dreams of something better….you know where this is leading.

This movie was really amazing. Fun, entertaining, interesting and has a good message that I think is very important. The performances are top notch and Cary Grant is just the best. Every time that guy shows up you get a good performance!

You should really see this film. Actually you should buy it.




Goodbye Mr. Chips.

The life of a teacher. This was a really well acted movie, with great leads and a good story. My only gripe is that I wish there was more of Mr. Chips actually teaching. I wanted to see how he interacted with the children. But it was still a great movie and I highly recommend it for anyone who enjoys classics.